Saturday, December 24, 2011

The familiar fear

Given a rank for different feelings in me, no doubt fear grabs the first place, miles ahead of any other feeling, in the race.

I lay asleep, woken up startled by cries of a pitiful girl. I don't have to strain my ears since the sound seemed to reverberate from all sides of whatever I'm in. This might be my first encounter with the 'fear'. After few more cries I realise its my mother having her birth pains. As the time elapsed her cries intensified till I was out in the world, then the environment back to normal again, in fact a blissful mood after an utter terrifying one.

Fear has become so familiar to me thereafter, right from my childhood, or rather I would say it accompanied me in every walk of my life.

There I was then a four year kid, my parents leaving me in the school. School for the first time, open to the selfish vastness that's lurking out there, which I have to endure, a vastness I wasn't aware of, fear gripped me, this means that my routine from now on sees less of parents and more of others. As years grew some of those others became friends and life was easier, a lot better.

When I was small I used to fear a lot of things like wildness, darkness, rudeness, fear of getting caught doing a wrong thing and many more things.

There I was still a kid but a little grown up, going to reside in hostel, hostel for the first time, this would mean that I wouldn't be in my nest even for the nights. Everyone waved at me, while fear winked.

I happened to learn about wars in my course, world wars in specific. Till then I knew only of mythological wars in which the good unequivocally thulped the evil, which meant the death of only bad guys. But the modern wars of world I came to know was entirely different, pictures of piles of dead bodies from concentration camps, which sends forth a cold shiver in spine even today. But even then I didn't understand the fear of death exactly. One day it happened, my dear & loving grandpa died. Then I realised one of the intensified forms of fear, fear of death, fear of losing loved ones.

I was in eight class, and a big tsunami hit the coasts and devastated the places which I know in great detail, got to understand natural calamities.

I grew, and I was in teenage and then I came to know and got to understand much more horrifying events, came to know of terrorist attacks, scams, corruption and filth in the world.

Now I'm a grown up and my childish fears are gone, but now I'm an adult and get to decide for myself, should form an opinion. Every time I make a choice the familiar fear seeps in, saying what if?Every time something good happens it triggers the fear in me, how long this happiness is gonna last?

As I grew I started knowing the world, in detail, every time I learn something good about the world, there used to be much more of something frightening, wicked and vacant about the same world.

The more I grow much fewer are my fears, every time I let go off a fear much acute and brutal fears grip me. Now I'm not frightened by darkness and wild figures, but I'm feared off people, feared of fear itself. I'm frightened that something is wrong, I don’t know why.

By now its much familiar a feeling to me and I feel as if it is sitting beside me whatever I'm doing.

But each and every time fear incessantly taught me something invariably. It imparted me with some knowledge about the world and seasoned me. It told me there is darkness and I should accept it, it showed me there is defeat and I should taste it , taught me there is pain and I should endure it, and depicted me about death which is inevitable.

I still cant say whether the 'familiar fear' is my prized companion or an arch-enemy, because it was with me at odd times, times when and where no one could have accompanied me, and taught me things which no teacher can ever portray.


  1. Hmmmmm..your fear of fear is interesting....good arcticle ya...

  2. Nice observation! Every emotion , whether positive or negative, is a wake up call in our journey towards wholeness.
    Enjoyed reading it.
    --- swarnalatha


  4. Starting fear amazing mama..... Chala chala chala chalaaaaaaaaaa baga rasav...


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