The Goddess of - part 4

continued from part-3

Priya: Alright, I’ll say. But for the god of awesomeness, I thought you might have figured it already. Just reflecting upon our conversation till now should give you a conclusive answer.

Ravi: Wait a minute then, lemme think… Are you the goddess of secret?

Priya: Holy trident, the dimwit finally thinks. Goddess of secrets it is.

Ravi: I’m not a dimwit. I just didn't dwell on your words too much. Hey, Miss goddess of secrets. Hey, can I ask you a question?

Priya: Yeah, go ahead.

Ravi: Please don’t get offended. I’m asking it out of curiosity.

Priya: If it’s offensive, I’ll be offended. Haha. Just kidding, go ahead.

Ravi: Isn’t being the goddess of secrets lame, I mean what are your returns? Why don’t you opt for a different portfolio?

Priya: Well, I have to say that I’m slightly offended, but for your info being the goddess of secrets is not as lame as you think. It’s a very powerful post requiring utmost responsibility.

Ravi: Really? What are your powers?

Priya: Ravi, everyone has secrets. People, animals, even the gods have secrets. Whenever and wherever someone tells a secret or does something clandestinely they invoke me. And I’m privy to every single secret. Even major gods have secret fears. Sometimes they secretly fear something might undo them. All these secrets I know, which even they might not know consciously. I know the ancient secrets that are there that are older than any god or time. I know the secret forces that can bring doom to everything we know as it is now. So If I want I can bring doom of anyone.

Ravi: Fudge! I better not fool with you. Hey, sorry if I have ever offended you please don't take it in a wrong way. You’re my best friend.

Priya: Lol. Ravi, that's okay. I’m a very responsible and mature goddess. I don't do things on the spur of the moment. I follow ancient laws. And yeah, you’re a very good friend. Don’t worry.

Ravi: Holy Hitchcock. You know my secret fear as well?

Priya: Yes, I do. Before you are tenured as a god you all used to hang out a lot with your friends. But gradually you guys became so busy that these days you hardly talk. You fear that someday you might become mere acquaintances.

Ravi: Hmmm.

Priya: Don't you worry, that won't happen. Just talk with everyone. And all I plan to do is just tell everyone your embarrassing secrets and have some fun.

Ravi: You mean to say you know all those things I did for Mahi, and all those things I did along with Mahi.

Priya: Yep!

Ravi: Well, I’m not that embarrassed actually. Mahi is a great girl, I’d do all that again for her if I ever need to. And when I’m with her I don’t think twice before doing any embarrassing stuff. I’ll do whatever she likes. Even if it means flouting rules and doing random stuff. I never took a wife in all these eons. But after meeting Mahi for the first time I should be with this girl forever. She is the love of my life. I met her when I was doing an experiment on myself. A fortnight without any magic. No godly stuff. I delegated my work to my office and I wanted to live just as mortal for a week. She met me when I was my weakest when I was the most awkward. She loved me, just me as it is. I miss her Priya.

Priya: Then why the hell did you break up?

Ravi: Trust me, I ask myself that question every single day. I still don't understand why we broke up. One thing led to another and the next thing I know that we broke up. I want her back, but I don't want to invoke all the divine shenanigans to win her back. I’d just be myself. I’d just try to be an awesome boyfriend and win her over.

Priya: Ravi, actually if you don't want to involve any godly charms you can't be awesome, I mean being awesome is your power, so if try to be awesome you’re using your power.

Ravi: Damn it. Okay. I’ll just be a lame guy, as awkward as an adolescent klutz who just fatuously started shaving his almost non-existent beard in the hope of expediting its growth.

Priya: Sorry but, I can’t control anymore. Right now I’m laughing like an idiot.

Ravi: What’s so funny?

Priya: Because I just realized that when it comes to relationships gods are as clueless as mortal guys. You never understood, did you? I’ll tell you this secret. Trust me when I say this, She although is trying to put a bold face and making an attempt to move on she still loves you and secretly wishes that you two are back. All you need to do is just go and talk to her.

But first things first, you need to stop dating these girls who almost look and behave like Mahi. You know those relationships won't last since all you’re doing is trying to find a duplicate of Mahi. That will never work. What is the maximum time such a relationship lasted?

Ravi: One week.

Priya: It actually lasted a week?

Ravi: Well the first time I lacked the courage to say that the relationship won't work. It took me six days to work up the courage to break up with her. Since the problem was with me. She was almost a near perfect duplicate of Mahi, including her food tastes.

Priya: Hmmm! Awkward or otherwise, just go and sit with Mahi and talk to her.

Ravi: I’ll. Thank you, Priya.

Priya: What about Manasa?

Ravi: She is still sleeping. I’ll just end things with her amicably and stay friends with her. Hey, do you have an additional portfolio of ‘Mending relationships’?

Priya: Nah! I’m just helping out a friend here. All the best. Now I have some of your embarrassing secrets to share with my friends. So, talk to you later.

Ravi: Alright, just keep everything we talked now a secret. Top secret. Of course, you'll otherwise you'd, that's your job description.  :)

---

Analysis: The God and Goddess of these files seem to span multiple mythologies.
Threat level: Zero. Friendly. These gods don't seem to pose any threat.
Remarks: Male God seems to be hopelessly in love and seem to like trains a lot, much like the Sheldon Cooper of The Big Bang Theory.

The Goodess of - part 3

continued from part-2

Ravi: Fair enough. Well, here it goes then. Back when I was a kid I had this habit, I’d pick up stones and throw them at a pole. Gradually I got quite fond of the habit. I'd take five small stones and see how many would hit the target. My friends, who at first made fun of me saying I was wasting my time, later unable to contain the curiosity, joined me to check their own accuracy and gradually everyone got so sucked up into it. We loved that game. I was eventually hitting all five of them. It was so nice hearing the large ‘ting’ sound the stone made when it made contact with the pole. As I grew up people made weird faces at me when I did the same, so I stopped doing it when people are nearby. I used to do it only when I'm sure that I'm in a secluded place, like a moor. But it was never the same, in a moor, you don’t have any targets other than trees. And I don't like hitting trees with stones. Later I became a god of awesomeness and everything else happened.

And one day I came in for the presentation, providentially, since I came there just for the coffee. Boardroom in which they discuss the new positions has excellent coffee. I just love it. I came just for the coffee. Anyway, as I sat down they gave us all the manual of the game which contained all the rules etc. There was one way to affect an out, called runout, it involved hitting those three sticks, called wickets, with a ball. And they can do it openly in front of everyone and get cheered for it. Wow. For me that sealed the deal, pushing me into an abyss of nostalgia. And I signed up for it got it as an additional portfolio. I’m very grateful to that chef who makes coffee there because that coffee was the only reason I went there. Now I can’t imagine not being the god of cricket.

Priya: Nice story Mr. god of Cricket. You’re a simple man. Good for you. Anyway, what are your favorite teams?

Ravi: Mr. god of Cricket, wow that feels so good to hear. Well, I like India, South Africa and sometimes Australia.

Priya: Aha! Caught you. That was a trick question, as a god aren’t you supposed to not have any favorite?

Ravi: As I a god I shouldn't favor any team but I can have favorites, it's like in school the way a teacher has a favorite student although he/she would be fair when it comes to grading.

Priya: Fun Fact, teachers are always unfair when it comes to their favorite student.

Ravi: Can we talk about something else?

Priya: Lol. Okay, Mr. Not-so-fair-god of cricket. Just one more question about cricket. How come India or south Africa doesn't win every tournament if they are your favorites.

Ravi: As I told you I give my blessing but I don't favor any teams.

Priya: Come On tell me the truth.

Ravi:. Besides the decision of who wins is an outcome of a council in which many gods participate. I’m the chairgod of the council but I need to take into account views of other gods and godlings. But the real reason is the god of umpiring, a minor god, is mean and is an absolute arse-aperture, my arch enemy. He wishes ill to my favorite teams. And I'm sure he's bribing everyone in the council.

Priya: If that's the case why don't you tackle him, after all, you say he is but a minor god.

Ravi: He is a puny god, but tackling him means that I'm admitting that he is my equal. I want to be seen as a casual, someone who is too top tier to be concerned with all these petty gods and their squabbles. So the issue needs a more cunning approach. Besides, disguised as another mortal, I've been talking to two mortals for an advice on the same.

Priya: And those mortals are?

Ravi: I can't exactly tell you who that is, but he is a tremendous person, a very good captain who turned fortunes of the Indian cricket team and he is known for his heroics in a particular place called the Lords and another mortal is an equally astute man, successor of the aforementioned mortal.

Priya: You're talking to Ganguly and Dhoni?

Ravi: Whoa girl! Usshhh, keep your voice down. Walls have ears. Besides, I never said those names. And if it ever comes up I'll deny.

Priya: What is Manasa doing? You’re a god why do you need a charging point to charge your phone.

Ravi: Priya, when I’m among mortals I try to blend, makes me understand them better. Besides, I wanted some time to think of some pickup lines. I was a little nervous. We are chatting after a long time, it felt so good, so I’ve put Manasa to sleep.

Priya: Why did you take a train in the first place?

Ravi: I love trains. Indian trains in particular. They are so vibrant and spectacular. They always have a story to tell if only one would listen. It offers me absolute serenity and seclusion in the midst of these boisterous crowd. What an irony. This continuous background noise lulls me, calms me and actually helps me coalesce my thoughts. Sit on a side lower seat with the strong wind in your face, sipping a delightful coffee and suddenly you have the solution for the problem you have been pondering over for weeks. I take most of my important decisions during a train journey. Manasa likes trains as well, just like Mahi. So it was perfect for our date.

Priya: I like trains too.

Ravi: Aren’t they awesome. Hey, you misdirected the most important question all this time. What goddess are you? Come one tell it already. This is unfair.

Priya: Why don’t you just leave it. I never broke rules before and I don't want to.

Ravi: So you still are a tiny little demigod then?

Priya: Alright, I’ll say. But for the god of awesomeness I thought you might have figured it already. Just reflecting upon our conversation till now should give you a conclusive answer.

- to be continued in part 4 (click here)

The Goodess of - part 2

continued from part-1

Priya: Really? What courses do they have? Did you take that?

Ravi: Of course I took it. They have an entire gamut of courses like, ‘Cod to god your first course’, ‘The first course on being a god for a demigod’, ‘how to handle godly nerves’, ‘Being a god for dummies’, ‘Choosing the right portfolio’, ‘Complete guide to divinity’, ‘Being a god for complete beginners’, ‘Learn how to be a loved worshipped and honored god from scratch’ and many other awesome courses. Their list has grown considerably. The best part is they offer lifetime support, which means you can call their helpdesk whenever you’re in doubt or depressed.They are very professional. They helped a lot of gods overcome their initial jitters.

Priya: How come I never heard of it. Where do those classes take place?

Ravi: Right at Mount Kailash. It’s an awesome place in Tibet, never visited that place?

Priya: I visited when I was a little girl. I live light years away from Mount Kailash. So I don’t think I can take those courses.

Ravi: Aha! You’re very lucky, my dear. I helped them set up online tutorials. They have collaborated with coursera so that we can take certified courses right in our homes. I have a friend in heaven, called Dijkstra, I roped him and helped them set an automated process. He came up with this idea of giving all gods a unique id composed of digits. You can use it to register and do certification courses if you are willing to write the exam at the end or you can just audit them.

Priya: This is an awesome news, you’re an awesome friend, I mean not awesome as in your power, I mean you’re a great friend. But, hey, my internet speeds are so not so good. :(

Ravi: Which ISP are you using?

Priya: Pavan internet, a company of the wind god. They actually provide good download and upload speeds, as much as the speed of the wind, but the connection is blotchy.

Ravi: Did you try Surya’s net by the sun god? They are the fastest yet. Some guys think that it might be the fastest speed we can ever get, based on their calculations. They have a download speed of 3 x 10⁸ MB/s. They literally transmit at the speed of light.

Priya: Wow, that really is some dope speed. But I live in a place where it is night for months at a time. So I don't think I can get that service in my area.

Ravi: Hey there are some plots up for sale near the Vishnu's. Why don’t you come there? That is one heck of a place. They are selling like out like freshly forged weapons. Everyone wants to live near Lord Vishnu and goddess Lakshmi. You know goddess Lakshmi, being the goddess of wealth, everyone wants to be friends with her.

Priya: It’d be great to live there. Like a nice gated community. But isn’t that the costliest place as of now?

Ravi: Yes it is, but who cares, I’m rich. god of awesomeness always paid me a lot. But recently, being the god of cricket has surpassed the amount I get for being the god of awesomeness. Who would have ever thought? for a long time, other gods thought being a god of cricket is an insult I'm inflicting on myself. But I knew that I was doing the right thing when I signed up for that portfolio. Now cricket pays me more. People pray for an outcome of a match, wants my blessing and all kinds of things. When we compare not a lot of people exactly pray for ‘god, please make me awesome!’ when compared to ‘god may my team win’, ‘god may Dhoni end it with a six’ and many more things than we can imagine. Cricketers, their families, their nations, their fans, and even the gamblers worship me, knowingly or unknowingly.

Priya: Okay, I get it that you’re rich. But how would that help me in buying the plot near the Vishnu's?

Ravi: Because I’m a close friend of Vishnu. We are like what the mortals call as best friends forever. I can get a plot for you, no problem. But don’t tell to anyone, it should be our little secret. I don’t want to start another war among gods.

Priya: Trust me I’m the best when it comes to keeping secrets. Hey, what did you mean when you said that you don't want to start ‘another’ war among war among gods? Did you start the first one?

Ravi: No, of course not. It was just an expression. Hmmm.

Priya: Hmmm! Hey, Can I know how you ended up signing up for being the god of cricket when no one ever did? I mean why did you do that?

Ravi: I can tell you, it’s not exactly a secret.

Priya: I know it’s not a secret. I’d have fished it out had it been a secret. Now tell me why you did that.

Ravi: Well long story, when the position was up no one really wanted it, cricket, the sport just took its birth, so no one wanted to take it. I thought to myself, what the heck and I offered to take the position. At that time most other gods and godlings warned me not to since they felt it'd only make me lesser among the gods. Besides, they were all wondering why the god awesomeness needs an additional job?

Suddenly people were seeing me as if I wasn't making my ends meet and hence taking an additional job. It was very frustrating back then.

Priya: You didn’t tell me why you took it.

Ravi: Hmmm. You’re a smart goddess. Well, to be honest, it was because of a small hobby of sorts of mine. It's really nothing and you shouldn’t laugh at it after listening. Okay?

Priya: Okay, I swear. I won’t.

Ravi: How can I know that you didn’t laugh. This is just a chat. Take the sacred oath.

Priya: Okay, I’m taking the sacred oath, that ‘I’ll try not to laugh after hearing your story’.

Ravi: Fair enough.

- to be continued in part 3 (click here)

The Goddess of ......

The following material is an excerpt from the files of a hacked whatsApp account of an individual whom God/Meta-Human wing strongly suspects to be a god. Timestamps have been removed for security reasons.

Ravi: Hey Priya, send me some battery percentage over whatsApp. Well, whatsapp, hike, messenger your wish, but do it asap, my phone is about to die and I’m on a moving train, I'm on a date and she is really hot, I mean cute. Quick, some 30-40% should be good enough.

Priya: Lol, that technology isn’t here yet, future boy. Transferring battery. ROFL.

Ravi: Hey, don’t give me lame excuses. I need some battery juice now. I’m waiting.

Priya: Ok. Done. Sent it.

Ravi: No you didn’t.

Priya: I did send it.

Ravi: But I didn’t get any. You didn’t send.

Priya: You didn’t get it, doesn’t mean I had not sent it.

(And Ravi’s phone got switched off)

-----

(Ravi’s phone got switched on again.)

Ravi: You liar. You really didn’t send me any battery. And I enquired some people, turns out that technology isn’t here yet.

Priya: So how come your phone is up again and you’re chatting.

Ravi: There is a charging point in the coach and thankfully some god/goddess made the guy at the charging point left. So here I’m at the charging point. And Manasa is on a call with her dad. Manasa is my date.

Priya: You’re so stumped. Did the guy at the charging point leave with an expressionless face and with a glassy stare straight ahead?

Ravi: Ye-ee-aa-aah, but how did you know?

Priya: Duffer, who do you think made that imbecile to leave? I did that.

Ravi: Haha, good joke.

Priya: I’m speaking a solemn truth. I did this for you.

Ravi: So, are you like a witch?

Priya: Noooooo, you dumbduck, I’m a goddess. Fudge I shouldn’t say that. Yeah, I’m a witch.

Ravi: Wait, you mean you really are a goddess, right? Tell me the truth, I’m your friend.

Priya: Hmmm! Yeah. But tell this to anyone and you would die instantly.

Ravi: No, I won’t die, in fact, I can't die. Man, this is so cool.

Priya: What the heck, of course, you would die. Are you drunk?

Ravi: No, I’m as sober as I can be. I can’t die because, wait for it, I’m divine too. I’m a god, forsooth. Man, this is so awesome. Are you undercover or do you, like me, prefer to be in your human form most of the times? What goddess are you?

Priya: Sorry Ravi, I can’t answer any further questions. First of all, I’m not sure about you being a god. You seem too jejune to be a god. And even if you’re a god, I still can’t disclose the details you’re asking for. You’re a good friend, but I’m sorry.

Ravi: Oh, I’ll take a leap of faith and tell you my details first. I’m the god of Awesomeness and Cricket. Well, the god of Awesomeness first, Cricket was added to my portfolio later. I’ve finished my probation and have been a tenured god since eons ago. Although I prefer to hang out with mortals most of the world. I never got fully habituated to living as a god. Now your turn.

Priya: Ravi, is your real name *****?

Ravi: Yes, it is, how the heck did you know? I have many names but yeah that is my real name. No one is supposed to know that, not even other gods.

Priya: So I guess you’re a god actually. Well, I know who the god of Awesomeness and Cricket is, just didn't know it was you. You seem to have a rather good following and well-wishers among the gods.

Ravi: Yes, I do, because I’m an awesome god, pun intended. Now tell me, what goddess are you?

Priya: No, Ravi, I’m sorry I can’t tell you. Rules don’t permit that.

Ravi: Come on, Priya. We are gods, rules don’t apply to us. I told you everything about me. Come on.

Priya: I now see why other gods say that you’re a little arrogant. Being a god makes it even more important for us to follow the rules and set an example to mortals.

Ravi: Lemme guess, you’re first a demigod who had very conservative upbringing, growing up in your divine palaces and worship places. I’m a new age god. I like to live on the edge. Although I’m a god I like to live it as if I’m gonna die tomorrow. Otherwise, this immortality becomes too tiresome. I’m like what these mortals call as a rockstar. And here you are, still acting like you’re a tiny little demigod. Grow up Priya. Act like a goddess rather than being coupled up in that protective cocoon.

Priya: I’m not a little demigod. I’m a goddess. Don’t make me mad, you wouldn’t like it. Why do other gods and godlings keep saying such mean things to me, why?

Ravi: You really want to know?

Priya: Yes, I do. Whenever someone says things like that, it irritates me a lot. Why do you guys do it?

Ravi: Priya, calm down. Don’t take it the wrong way. The reason why all of them say such mean things like calling you a tiny-little-demigod is because you still act like one. You act like you’re a friggin intern. And like an unpaid intern that too.

Priya: But the rules.

Ravi: Let the rules go kiss my posterior. But I can help you here, in gaining confidence and to come to terms with the fact that you’re a powerful goddess. Now, You’re at a stage called guberty. It’s a Portmanteau of ‘god’ and ‘Puberty’. Every god goes through this phase. It’s as awkward as Hades, but that's normal, nothing to worry about it. You just need to spend a little time. Lord Ganesh went through this phase and being a son of very conservative elder god and with other gods having a lot of expectations on him even before he took his job it was a real rough phase for him. He wished to make things less ungainly for other gods. So he came up with a startup along with his brother Murugan, that offers orientation courses that help new gods.

Priya: Really? What courses do they have? Did you take that?

- to be continued in part 2 (click here)

Cough Off

If the headache is more of your thing, click here.

---

At first I thought I’d name this article ‘Saved by a Cough’, one might think it was a grammatical mistake, after all, we all want to be saved from a cough, not saved by a cough, but, trust me when I say there is no mistake, and it was as intended, saved by a cough, also I wear I’m as sober as you are, so worry not. And there was always the problem of pharma companies having read the title and not bothering to read the actual article, spamming me asking for the miracle cure, so I settled for the above title. I have come a long way from having thousands of unread mails to having almost zero unread emails. I actually have negative unread emails; I mean some of those emails I have read more than once, so I call it having negative unread emails. It took me almost three full days, fifteen full cups of coffee and three pizzas to finally configure my Gmail with all those email filters so that I don't have too many unwanted unread emails, in the process of which I sacrificed three days of facebooking. That was actually a thrilling wait as I was expecting a burst of notifications, although, it didn’t happen, that’s another matter altogether. So I don't want to ding all this by opting for the former title, ‘Saved by a Cough.’

Cough is like a spork. Like spork combines spoon and fork. Cough combines sneeze and seriousness. It’s almost like a sneeze only looking more serious. People might laugh when one sneezes, but have you ever seen people laughing at a cough? The answer is a resounding no, that’s because the cough is very good at looking very serious. And it comes handy in quite a few situations.

For someone like me cough is a great tool. But what exactly do I mean by ‘someone like me’, no I’m not talking about my lineage when I said it, I meant in a behavioral way. I’m a very, very - not that any number of ‘very’s can do the justice here - very shy person, and won’t talk out unless it’s absolutely important, and for a shy person the absolutely important is much beyond anything normal. To illustrate, one time during snorkeling, I jumped from a two storied boat, and as someone who doesn’t know swimming, I jumped with my breathing pipe attached to my face and as expected, upon the impact it got ripped from my face and I was there thrashing and flailing in the azure waters of the ocean near the boat. My love of water made me jump, although a part of me had been warning me, ‘You don’t know swimming, dumbo!’, but who would listen to good advice from the brain, right? Anyway, as I was there thrashing in the water, I was evaluating my options, should I shout? It seems logical before I die out drowning, but my shyness didn’t let me utter a single cry, besides it forced me to step up to the situation and do something stupid. It made me dive deeper into the ocean and catch my snorkeling pipe before it sank and with a great difficulty I had finally put it on. Although I was saved, coughing all the swallowed water out - a real cough -I got nasty cuts on my legs, thanks to the bottom edges of the boats. If a drowning and possible dying scenario didn’t classify as important, I don’t know what would.

For a person as shy as me, from times immemorial it was the cough that came handy and helped us out in most situations. There are many types of coughs, I’m not talking about the chronic cough, which threatens to pull the lungs out and throw from the mouth. Rather, it's  a mere affectation, an adopted cousin of the real cough, who claims to be the twin of the earlier cough. This is a fake cough, which comes in various lengths as the situation demands.

We always get stocked from the same grocery shop, time and again. The shop looks as yellow as it always did. As if it’s painted thus, a dull yellow with greasy smudges covering all the walls, possibly because of the shop boys rubbing their hands on the walls after handling tamarind. The shopkeeper knows my grandfather, my father and mother and my brother and me. Uffff! So when we go there and if he is still attending someone else, it’s because he wants to attend to us in peace, or so I would like to think. There are others who would budge their way, pushing others until they are face to face with the shopkeeper, get their list packed, and pay the money and leave. But I stand back at a respectful distance from everyone else, almost screening myself from the eyes of shopkeeper, trying to merge in the background, so that he wouldn’t attend to me first which would irk others. I let them shop in peace and when I think people who came before me completed their business, I move ahead to give him my list. But there’s a catch, people who come after me often tend to wedge themselves in that respectful gap I’ve left and try to force their way. This is where I issue a respectful cough, just audible enough to the person who has jumped the line, and if he/she has any decency, they would come back and wait for the turn, although I must admit the success rate here would be less than 25%.

And after all the waiting when I finally come face to face with the shopkeeper, there can be two contextual coughs. If the shopkeeper is still attending some other list and not have looked at me, a cough to announce my presence, just a bit bigger in length. And when, after paying the price sometimes shopkeeper forgets to hand me change, or whenever has not given the full change, I cough, but this time looking not at him, but at currency notes in my hand, making a counting gesture, this always goads  him into handing me my change. Magic!

I’m shy even to say ‘Excuse me,’ when my path is blocked by two people who have decided that that is the right place for them to stand and exchange gossip, or by couples in park canoodling and lay there in wonky twists. Here the cough comes in two short bursts, with minimal amplitude, unless of course when I’m in a moving train, as it would require a greater magnitude to cancel out the ambient noise.

When two friends are calling me names and talking about me, not knowing about my presence, it’s a good idea to go away from there. But if I must go there, I’d clear my throat clearly and audibly before any damaging piece of gossips reaches me. Clearing-throat is, after all the little brother of cough.

When someone wrongs me and I hate them so much for that but he happens to be physically well built than me thereby denying me the possibility of going and breaking his leg, I sneeze and cough a lot in his presence, thereby trying to gross him with my saliva and hoping they would be attacked by some airborne disease to which I’m immune to, till he realizes his mistake and apologizes to me. Although I’m not sure how I can cure him if he really happens to apologize to me. I’m still working on this hypothetical situation and update you once I have an answer.

I have this habit of pulling up my left sleeve of my shirt to my shoulders. Why do I do that? I have no frigging idea, and I do it subconsciously, just like I spin a pen with my fingers, And every time I’m in the presence of my teacher/instructor my friends issue a small cough which reminds me to pull my sleeve down. Although to be honest, sometimes I’ve no idea why they are coughing and if their cough is real.

My uncle, it seems, to never get a listening ear at his home, and he vents that out whenever he comes to visit relatives. He talks at great lengths about everything and anything, which is most often trivial poppycock, even going to the length of reading from the Sunday magazine, adding his own face expressions and exclamations to every line, expecting me to nod my approval every time, with clasped arms. It’s the worst punishment. The stories are meant to be read aloud, but magazines aren’t. No one ever reads a magazine aloud and it should be made a criminal offense if anyone attempts it. At these times I let out a big drawn out cough and I clutch at my throat and run for water and that’s my chance of escape, and I go as far from that room as possible, But this works only if the water bottle is not near me or kitchen is far from us. Ah! This would definitely come under life threatening situation, where no cough would work and I would get up and say I need to go to the toilet. But if I’m very unlucky and happen to be sitting in room with attached bathroom, I’d have no choice but to go to the bathroom and wait there patiently, peeping from it time to time, hoping someone to call him, and making my escape path clear.

Speaking of the bathroom, I’m reminded of the situation when a loud cough becomes the de facto savior. Whenever someone coughs in a class or a meeting I invariably tend to assume it’s because he/she needs to pass the gas and using the cough to muffle the decibels if any, and gain some peace of mind. But, bear in your mind ‘With great fart comes great responsibility,’ so here one has the additional responsibility of timing both of them exactly at the same moment. Otherwise that person becomes the cynosure of the crowd and the purpose is lost, exposed and caught red-handedly, or more like red-facedly. It’s as good as calling out, “abracadabra, look at me!”

You think that a lazy, shy student is the only species using cough as best as he/she can? Well, you are wrong. In an Indian high school context, in the tenth-grade biology there comes a lesson about the human reproductive system. Bizarrely enough all the strong and healthy teachers suddenly seem to have caught up indubitably in a chronic cough which leaves them as soon as the chapter is completed. Somehow those high-pitched coughs, and those obscure diagrams which don’t make sense go hand in hand. Suddenly you see a whole lesson filled primarily with teachers’ cough trying to escape the manscape of wry, suppressed, and tight smiles.

A Cough is as important as a sanitary pad for a girl on periods, but sadly enough, both of those are shoved under a mat as if they are a taboo. But I believe every cough has its day.

On Criticisms and Unicorns

Criticisms are such excellent thingies. It helps people improve. A constructive criticism is what helps an amateur become a pro. They are disgustingly good at being useful, may not be blissful, but definitely are worthful. But just then the keyword pops up, ‘decorum’, or to put in a better way, the etiquette of giving a criticism matters a lot; it’s like the difference between the shark and dolphin. Those both are beautiful and different creatures, and are the embodiment of the artist in nature at work. But say there was an evil dolphin who likes munching your innards for desert and a benevolent shark whose sole gladdest life ambition is helping as many stranded sailors as possible. Presented with these two one might still go to the dolphin to cuddle, because it’s more approachable. Dolphins are nature’s penguins, Oh yeah; I liked the Penguins of Madagascar movie.

So the manner in which the comments and feedback are given becomes very important, for it makes all the difference because its visage is what determines if it’s constructive or not. Well, don’t bother much if you’re one of those abominable obnoxious person, also called a jerk, who don’t really actually offer any criticism, but comment just for the sake trying to show how you could outwit the other person. These kinds of people always do it on social media, because that’s where they are desperate for attention. Like the guy who tries to make a witty comment on facebook, when you ask for some feedback, the type of comment which one puts when two guys are competing for the same girl, to make the other look like an idiot, when one wants to up the other person in front of that girl who has an enchanting effect on these two guys. Well if we were really in a coffee shop or bar and the guy was trying to make me look like a clown, I wouldn’t mind it at all, because everything is fair in love and war, and manipulation has been the prime technique people use when they find themselves in such situations. But no, all he does that is on my facebook wall. And when sometimes I rebuke myself, telling myself, ‘people are not evil, he might have read your work and might have hated it’, and when I call him to ask what exactly he didn’t like, he says coolly, “I haven’t taken a look yet, will try to do it during the weekend.” I silently agree, while my heart is screaming inside, “Then what the fudge was the comment for?”

But since you’re not one of those above mentioned cretins, because obviously you’ve read this far, which you wouldn’t, if you were one of those guys, here are some ways (tips would be a better word here, but a vast majority of people don’t like taking tips from others, guess some ego issues,  so I try not give any).

My mother makes the best masala tea, period. She’s also an expert in making rasam. So every time I go to my aunt’s home she asks me deliberately if her tea or rasam that day is better than her sister’s, my mom. The answer to her question would be ‘No’, but that’s not a very helpful feedback, is it? But I don’t know what lacks in her preparations that make those inferior to the ones made by my mom. Ah! Now this is a real test of good way critiquing way because I can’t pinpoint the flaw. So what I say instead is, “You make better coffee than my mom.” This lifts her spirits that after all she can make something better than my mom while at the same time giving a subtle message to continue with her efforts in making tea. See the contrast compared to a discouraging ‘no’.

A Spanish friend once asked me if I thought her Lisp was very annoying and making her language unintelligible. Well, I liked her lisp alright, but it sometimes seemed to put my brain through crunches and dumbbells to process her statements. But if I said the same to her, she will either cry or kick me hard in my shins. So what I say? “You have got a beautiful way of speaking but it’s a little odd making a tad bit difficult to understand, and believe me if unicorns can speak, they will talk just like you.” The comparison with unicorn can withstand any negative comments and energized by the comparison she will try to work on her accent to become the best unicorn.

A friend of mine was sad for being black; he hated his skin color though everyone used to tell him, in this world, color no longer discriminates people. One day when he was crying about his color, I said, “I wish you were a little blacker.” He asked why, obviously confounded, “A tad more black and you’ll be like a shiny black velvet cloth.” Everybody loves black velvet, and he almost stopped worrying about his color from then. Although, it apparently goaded him to pester his parents into covering all the couches and curtains in black velvet, which has reduced their bank balance considerably. But it seemed all the black velvet has taken a toll on him, he got vexed of black. Well, sometimes even the most constructive criticism can backfire. As a final touch to totally obliterate his worry about color, I asked him if he knew the rarest magical being. Satisfied with his question mark face, I answered him importantly and most benevolently, “a black unicorn,” and that settled the matter for good.

A friend of mine recently said all my works included a great deal of coffee/tea. She was a good person, not one of those cretins mentioned above, for she gives me feedback personally, not on some social media sites.  But for once I couldn’t take the criticism all too well — yeah, me the all-loving, personification of humanity, who as per my mom, deserves a Nobel Peace Prize, for always being peaceful without making any noise, all the time silently looking into my smartphone — couldn’t take it. I wouldn’t have been upset so much had she commented on my style or something or anything else. But no, she had to comment about my coffee. My coffee! I love coffee and coffee loves me back. Ours is the best relation. If someone transfigured me into a minion, I’d still be wanting my coffee over a banana. So I just replied her, “Think of it as my signature, obviously visible in all of my works. And you know what? A Signature always stays the same,” saying which I surreptitiously left my house to get my coffee, as my health conscious mother would only give me bournvita, a hot chocolate.

One part of criticisms always have the voice, ‘so and so is a copy,’ while the author was actually trying to cleverly refer to something, like TS Eliot in his wasteland (if you are not a literary student, try not to search for it, for I don’t think your boyfriend/girlfriend fancies seeing your brain exploding in the bedroom). Someone starts, ‘The boy with round glasses and a scar,’ even before reading further some people will cry, Harry potter copy, though scar might have been on his butt for all it mattered. Well, another section of people love it for the same reason of being similar to Harry Potter, “Oh my god! It’s like Harry Potter; I can never get enough of it. Thank you.” So you see it’s a difficult job giving feedback in such situations, in those times, I go on with what Dumbledore said, “The truth. It is a beautiful and terrible thing, and should therefore be treated with great caution.’

Ah! Dumbledore, that surname gives me a feeling of a pleasant tickle. I’ve considered, almost infinite times, adopting it as my last name. For my actual last name means a very fine fertile delta that once existed. More than once I asked my dad why I should keep the name of a place that doesn’t even exist now. But then my dad says Dumbledore too, doesn’t exist. Of course, he doesn’t exist anymore, everyone knows he died at the end of the sixth part and Snape killed him.  Come to think of it, I might even fancy the surname ‘Rowling’; or ‘Lovegood’ if I’m feeling rather Zen-like. I crossed Lupin from the list of probable surnames because ‘Lupin’ being a werewolf, some crazy people might associate it with Twilight saga. Ewww! And that’s the last thing I’d want. ‘Potter’ has never made my list because almost always Potters seemed to have a terrible fate. And everyone seems to die around a potter. Come to think of it, I like the surname ‘Weasley’ quite a lot because in the end it’s the Weasley that wins the hand of Hermione. Case closed.